Ego University Press, First Edition , © 2007

Researchers and contributors: Brad and Julie Pike-Edmond, Nicole Pierce, John Tangeman, Victor Tiernan

THE BABY RUTH – chock full of peanuts and hard in nature, this one is riddled with spiky bits that scrape the anus upon exit, causing discomfort, funny faces, and even tears; often doubles as a Crackler.

BACK WASH - a common phenomenon, this is the term for the cold splash that hits the anus after a good drop in the ol' bowl.

CHiPs – traveling as a pair, this team of consecutive shits appear to ‘partner up’ as the second of the two sidles up next to its counterpart; if one is blondish in color and the other a darker brown, they give the appearance of Ponch and John famously patrolling Highway 101 in SoCal.

BEAN SOUP - self explanatory.

THE BEET POOP - regularly shaped but deep crimson in color, for a split second you think you are dying and then you realize it's just from last night's dinner.

THE CLEAN BREAK – worthy of high fives and group hugs, this fecal wonder requires nary a single wipe but is usually discovered only after this first pass; upon inspection of the barely soiled wad of paper, the passer feels a sense of elation and pride. [ant. the unclean break]

THE CRACKLER – a large shit that makes crackling sounds upon evacuation. Particularly interesting when it belongs to the person next to you in a public bathroom.

THE DEPTH CHARGE – generally very solid and cylindrical in shape, this one leaves the anus at breakneck speed, forced out by highly pressurized methane, creating a ker-plunking sound as it breaches the water’s surface followed by a plume of cold toilet water that shoots straight up the poop shoot. It can also result in skid marks on the porcelain that no amount of flushing will dissolve.

THE FALSE ALARM - all air and no substance.

THE HARVEST - this shit often occurs in late summer when you've opted for an extra helping of corn on the cob at the BBQ; and then lo and behold, an entire ear of corn!

HEISMAN – shaped like a football, this one is tapered at both ends and often catches the passer by surprise as the girth reaches maximum diameter; once s/he is over the hump, however, it falls with ease into the bowl and is good for a first down; if underhydrated, the parent of this shit may experience pass interference and be forced to punt.

THE IONIZER – the very rare but oddly odorless bowel movement; can be interpreted as either a sign of impeccable health or certain looming death.

THE LED ZEPPELIN – the mothership of all solid shits, this one is very dense and large across all dimensions; passers of the Zeppelin often feel as if they’ve just finished giving birth as the anus takes up to an hour to regain its original pucker during which feelings of emptiness and abandonment dominate the psyche

THE MONKEY FIST – ouch!

THE PARALLEL (see STIFF COMPETITION)

THE PEEPING SNAKE (see SNAKE) – same as The Snake with a small bit protruding above water line.

THE PILE – perhaps the grand royale of all digestive feats. Soft in texture but voluminous. Occasionally exhibits peeping behaviors and can cause flushing troubles.

POST PARTUM POOP - after 9 long months of carrying a new human, the release of internal pressure allows for sudden freedom to fire a torpedo-shaped turd to free fall into the abyss.

RABBIT PELLETS – small and dainty, these are the least satisfying of all shits particularly when much effort and time have been expended.

THE SPANACRAPITA – this leafy green number is riddled with the likes of spinach, kale, cabbage or any other roughage-of-choice; caused by overconsumption of aforementioned culprits.

THE SNAKE – very long and somewhat narrow, it leaves one feeling very light and energized, but can result in flushing troubles.

SPLATS – liquid droplets flung onto toilet walls as the result of explosive flatulence and poor digestion.

STIFF COMPETITION a.k.a. THE PARALLEL - a real trouble maker for most flushing systems, this occurs when two poops line right up side by side at the mouth of the flushing channel and refuse to let the other one go first. The stalemate can last for hours and sometimes requires hangers or other long-stemmed instruments to break up the fight.

THE SWAMP – one of the rarer varieties; these are mud-like, extremely odiferous and exhibit a variety of shapes and textures; they tend to float on top of the water; often the result of over-indulgence in naughty things. Leafy greens are often found here.

THE TWINKIE - does it have a filling? Research team results still pending

THE UNCLEAN BREAK a.k.a THE INCOMPLETE – this is the shit that didn’t quite come to a close; side effects include itchy anus, time-delay skid marks, dissatisfaction, disgust, and frustration; all of these are exacerbated if the passer has showered for the day prior to the sit-down.

THE WHITE ONE a.k.a. MOBY DICK - perhaps you have had your wisdom teeth removed or have suffered some illness that requires eating only yogurt for 2 days straight.

WORMS – a soft, thin variety with fuzzy edges. Sometimes caused by nervousness or stage fright.

YINYANG – singular in form, this one is half blondish, half dark brown and is usually the result of following a lunch of macaroni and cheese with a dinner of red wine or Guinness.